today ive been staring out the window all day.

ironically i have no windows.

language of love

Epithemia is the basic need to touch and be touched. Our closest approximation is "horniness," though epithemia is not so much a sexual feeling as a sensual one.

Philia is friendship. It includes the need to admire and respect your friends as a reflection of yourself—like in high school, where you want to hang out with the cool kids because that means you're cool too.

Eros isn't sexual in the way we usually think, but is more about the emotional gratification that comes from merging souls.

Agape is a mature, utterly free expression of love that has no possessiveness. It means wanting the best for another person even if it doesn't advance your self-interest.

saving face

i am finally out of this ranuchy situation in which i allowed myself to wallow in for a year. and now that its over my gut feelings have all materialized, and the question in my head, is how am i stronger than you? why can i deal like this like a logical person. your seven years older than me and you havent even learned how to deal with yourself yet.

theres untrustworthy love from all angles and only a few will stay and remain at core.

i have an image engraved in the memory of you, it is there. for good. and im thankful that you forgot to shut that door after you locked it. and im thankful that i put that anger into your body, because its no longer brewing in mine.

im cold and turned off once again, still warm enough to love someone who needs it, but not with my all, im done doing that until my gut feeling tells me to give me away. ive got questions, but i think they are getting answered at night after i fall to slumber

white sparkly blues.

the absurdity of routine is creating a new self inside of this shell. a self that questions every move, and feels trapped by every regular behavior that self possesses.

I am regretting my curiosity to find a meaning to this life, because theres no meaning that truly exists. I feel constantly some wave between humans, and our media that is always encouraging me to keep exploring that curiosity. I search my inner depths, and i review my observations. I find nothing solid. I wonder why so much of my mind is occupied by this search. Abatement never comes. The person i exist with doesn't take time to reflect entirely on what is happening to him, i wonder if it is his age, or hes never seen it from this angle. I don't depreciate him because of it, i more or less admire him, and question how i got stuck in my head.

I am looking forward to the day i move out of this city, its coming this spring. I will be imbued with excitement that experience is ripe in my life again. Life is slow. so sloooooooooow. then it smacks you that time is passing so quickly in fact that you wish you had more of the slow time once again. i know how this goes. its a cycle. and i will be riding the countercurrent.

Planning a trip to paris in september. airfare is cheap early in the year ($630 r/t) . I will be going to Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and Berlin. Very interested on what this year will bring, hopefully some internal resolution.