Thursday, October 7, 2010

fall never comes late enough.

forced to face my decisions, consequences baking away for days.

pressed to your chest.

watching you breathe in your sleep. im awake. my pulse is two beats to fast i believe.
this east COAST weather is changing my chemistray.













how many people do i pee at the same time with everyday?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

i never produce art when i am trying to be satisfied.. the only time i know how to work right now, is in the midst of a devastation i am experiencing...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

hittin the road

Time is so strange, you have energy in one direction for a period of time, and then it fades and it is reborn into a new energy towards whole new things, im sure it changes over years, the period of energy are longer, and not as intense. but maybe thats just what im experiencing. then there is the feeling that time gives you. in the now, time feels short, fleeting, and like there is never enough in one day , and you have the days where time goes by way to slow, you forget how excited you could be, you feel as if everything is moving at a slower pace, and you have all the Time in the world.... then on a day like today when im moving out of the murphy building, which i have such an affection for, and im overall preparing to move myself to a new climate, a new region, a new place ive never explored, i look back, and time feels even faster than on my fastest days. I wonder where did that handful of sand that i had go? Man i learned alot and made a lot of decisions, but undoubtedly i am ready for a change.

i cannot wait to take flight again.
i cannot wait to take flight again.
i cannot wait to take flight again.

then there is the part of me that just want to relax in my comfy green grass wonderland of indiana for a few more months through summer, enjoy the sweet smell of a july night in some hidden corridor of the woods, with fireflies and crickets up and active. nights like tonight where the moon is full and the air is breezy with the hint of warm summer nights to come.

to be appreciative and ready for anything is where im trying to be with all of this. but there are still those questions...

look its already happened again.

Monday, April 19, 2010

its been a year

since this phase of my life began, i cant gauge how much ive learned, how much ive changed, and how much this year could have or could not have been. i wonder if we will ever reunite and be sisters for real. i wonder if im making the right choices. im wondering if anyone is worth as much as the words they say. i wonder if everyone lies, and if everyone hurts.

the blossoms of spring bring beautiful colors reminding me that i am not trapped. that its not always gray. and that with the death of my hope in you, there will always blossom a newfound hope within myself.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

just some outfits i enjoy, and if not i think the woman wearing it is BEAUTIFUL





fresh white socks, morning sun, i just really liked this photo




















I really enjoy the boots this girl is wearing, and her long denim shirt, on black. mm ive found myself wearing a simialiar outfit the past few days. not to mention her hair is the length im dreaming mine was.

























beautiful asain, in a speedo.























hello hat, and belly shirt, this look will be flooding williamsburg.

creative process

" the creative process is a process of surrender, not control" - Julia Cameron

shes says it best i suppose, the past couple days i have been searching my inner weirdness to come up with a visual concept of what i would like to portray in my next art piece... It is not coming to me as easy as usual. I am feeling like i need to be inspired, which is also a frustration factor, because i feel like working off of inspirations ONLY, is not a good thing. I am sure it will come to me within a matter of time, until then i can work on maing things that are less meaningful to me, and more just for the sake of producing.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

saturday nights

arent so awsome in indianapolis, i live in an incest pool.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

growth in understanding dressed up as a woman.

i am understanding that only i can be the one who understands what i am saying, there are to many layers, to many contexts.

Monday, February 15, 2010

2010

PART 1
I don't understand why the astronomers responsible for naming new-found objects are so devoid of flair. Here's a prime example: They found a blazar, or blazing quasi-stellar object, in a faraway galaxy. It's powered by a supermassive black hole that's 10 billion times larger than our sun. Why did they give this fantastic oddity the crushingly boring name "Q0906+6930"? Couldn't they have called it something like "Queen Anastasia" or "Blessed Quasimodo" or "Gastromopolopolis"? I trust you won't be as lazy in your approach to all the exotic discoveries you're going to be making in 2010, Aries. Start getting your imagination in top shape. Make sure it's primed and ready for your upcoming walkabout to the far reaches of reality.

*

PART 2
What influences do you really, really need to say goodbye to? The next six months will provide you with ample motivation and opportunity to finally bid those farewells. What long-term cycle really, really needs to be drawn to a close, no more hemming and hawing, all loose ends tied up and all mixed signals clarified? Again, the time between now and the middle of June will bring you the necessary inspiration to make it happen. But it'll take deep thought and sustained work and an expanded sense of humor, so get started soon.

*

PART 3
One of my favorite landscape painters makes a livable wage from selling her art. She has had many gallery showings and has garnered much critical acclaim. That's the good news. The bad news is that she feels obligated to keep churning out more landscape paintings -- even when her muse nudges her to take a detour into, say, abstract expressionism or surrealistic portraits. Galleries don't want anything from her except the stuff that has made her semi-famous. "Sometimes I fantasize about creating a series of 'Sock Puppet Monkeys Playing Poker,'" she told me. If she were an Aries, I'd advise her to do what I think you should do in 2010: Listen to what your version of the sock puppet monkeys are urging you to do.

*

PART 4
The Earth's north magnetic pole is not the same as the geographic North Pole. If you take out a compass to orient yourself toward due north, the compass arrow will actually point toward a spot in the frigid wilds of Canada. But what's really odd is that the north magnetic pole has been on the move since 1904 -- scientists don't know exactly why -- and has dramatically sped up in recent years. According to National Geographic, it's now zooming toward Siberia at the rate of almost 40 miles per year. I suspect that your own metaphorical version of magnetic north will also be changing in 2010, Aries. By January 2011, the homing signal you depend on to locate your place in reality may have migrated significantly.

yes. they are that next level shit



stop my playlist to play this.

modern marvels
i walked in on her, i split in two, this is no way to live, it hit me so hard, so hard.
hold back, self control, tortured is that of my soul. and the patterns in noise, are all but what i avoid.
it takes me there and i started to cry, for the last time until im in love again.

bike porn

















































i like it. makes me feel like riding. and getting nakied

nail salon art. patrick nagel.

supervillian strikes again,

Ahhhh. relaxing after a wonderful and entertaining weekend in chicago. got to do some shopping, found lots of good sales. got a couple new pairs of shoesies, which i am very excited about, checked into my hotel, which was entertainment in itself, something like out of a palahniuk read, twisted, real, and not something in which the mainstream recognizes. There was a plexiglass mirror over my bed, and an old 80s poster that you might also find in a nail salon, that reads "ECSTASY" in cursive underneath an outline of a silhouetted woman holding a rose. there was gum stuck in the red carpet, the rust colored paint extended past the trim to the ceiling. cigarette burns in the comforter, one large, but multiple, reminding how many people have been in and out of this bed. uck, i found a mission, which was to find an alternate sleeping situation. so i hid my things in the shower, which i later found out only gave a drip wash when turned on full blast, making for the ideal whores bath. hehe.
anyhow, i put on my black tights, and short black heels and took off to go witness a meet-up, with the mighty mos, and the supervillian in flesh, DOOM.
after waiting outside, in the cold of a winter night in chicago for about a a half hour, i make it inside, much after the time promoted as the
start of the show. I find a dj on stage, not mos defs, not dooms. lucky me i haven't missed anything. and so i find my way to the spot i feel will be best, and wait, and then for the next 5 hours, im experiencing the opening acts to the headliners. BBU, a hip hop trio from chicago, comical, but def. not vibing on the level the crowd was coming with, so they eventually are booed to their last song. then comes Mike Relm, a cat from San Francisco. He starts spinning and has video edited simultaneous to the music, it was quite entertaining, but still the crowd was to ready for the mellow, retrospect they would find themselves in when the headliners arrived. Finally 130 am rolls around, and mos def hits the stage, everyone gets thier second wind and is hyped. Mos brought a very lyrical set through, and stuck with newer stuff. Some people were bummed about that, but in my opinion, they are listening to a man who is ahead of his circumstance, an artist who is inspiring progress, and i think this is very clear in his music. Hes tackling the now, hes writing music about the current things hes experiencing. Would it be more meaningful if he was always reflecting when he performed. go home. listen to that cd when you want to go there. and then its over, mos def leaves the stage as Doom's hype man enters, and then here we all are, that things weve all stood for HOURS waiting for is happening, but suddenly a feeling of angst sweeps, and everyone is paying very close attention to the performance of the alleged mf doom. I know, i cant take my eyes off of the microphone, and the mouth behind it, and the hype men are hyping, and the speakers are filled with their heavy breathing, but for some reason, mf doom barely is taking breaths between words, "its amazing, he sounds just like his album", i say to myself sarcastically, as i switch my vision to the dj behind him, who is obviously pretending to spin. From here, i look at the foreign beauty next to me, and ask, " where is it from here?" im not as disappointed as i thought i would have been, mos def really did it for me, and it gave me more time to enjoy chicago, on a cold winter night, for what it really is. en amour avec le monde.



Friday, February 12, 2010

the saddest part of a broken heart isnt so much the ending, as it is the start
-feist

Sunday, February 7, 2010

round and round and round

The past two weeks have put the green back in my eyes, i have noticed it all day today. i feel magical again

im blogging an awful lot today

i couldnt only get the explosion














but, this is whats on mind

white wonders.

winter is starting to look up, i dont mind it as much when it gives me a white world to examine.

self reliance is strong these days, and i have a new place to pour good energy into.

my days have been filled with indian food, tea drinking with my sister, and listening, to LOTS and LOTS of dance music, and of course dancing along with it.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Sunday, January 31, 2010

today ive been staring out the window all day.
ironically i have no windows.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

language of love

Epithemia is the basic need to touch and be touched. Our closest approximation is "horniness," though epithemia is not so much a sexual feeling as a sensual one.

Philia is friendship. It includes the need to admire and respect your friends as a reflection of yourself—like in high school, where you want to hang out with the cool kids because that means you're cool too.

Eros isn't sexual in the way we usually think, but is more about the emotional gratification that comes from merging souls.

Agape is a mature, utterly free expression of love that has no possessiveness. It means wanting the best for another person even if it doesn't advance your self-interest.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

saving face

i am finally out of this ranuchy situation in which i allowed myself to wallow in for a year. and now that its over my gut feelings have all materialized, and the question in my head, is how am i stronger than you? why can i deal like this like a logical person. your seven years older than me and you havent even learned how to deal with yourself yet.
theres untrustworthy love from all angles and only a few will stay and remain at core.

i have an image engraved in the memory of you, it is there. for good. and im thankful that you forgot to shut that door after you locked it. and im thankful that i put that anger into your body, because its no longer brewing in mine.

im cold and turned off once again, still warm enough to love someone who needs it, but not with my all, im done doing that until my gut feeling tells me to give me away. ive got questions, but i think they are getting answered at night after i fall to slumber

Sunday, January 10, 2010

white sparkly blues.

the absurdity of routine is creating a new self inside of this shell. a self that questions every move, and feels trapped by every regular behavior that self possesses.

I am regretting my curiosity to find a meaning to this life, because theres no meaning that truly exists. I feel constantly some wave between humans, and our media that is always encouraging me to keep exploring that curiosity. I search my inner depths, and i review my observations. I find nothing solid. I wonder why so much of my mind is occupied by this search. Abatement never comes. The person i exist with doesn't take time to reflect entirely on what is happening to him, i wonder if it is his age, or hes never seen it from this angle. I don't depreciate him because of it, i more or less admire him, and question how i got stuck in my head.

I am looking forward to the day i move out of this city, its coming this spring. I will be imbued with excitement that experience is ripe in my life again. Life is slow. so sloooooooooow. then it smacks you that time is passing so quickly in fact that you wish you had more of the slow time once again. i know how this goes. its a cycle. and i will be riding the countercurrent.

Planning a trip to paris in september. airfare is cheap early in the year ($630 r/t) . I will be going to Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and Berlin. Very interested on what this year will bring, hopefully some internal resolution.