just another night.

i toss hard to the left. and from that point slowly back to the right. the pain in my rib soars like ice through my back. i hear a noise, my eyes blink and I am seeing street lights, while im still knee deep in a chase that i am dreaming up. i hear a car, or two go by, and I fall back into the intensity of the chase in my head. I wake up again to another noise, the restling of someone in the hallway shuffling home from and evening on the town. and its here when i just lay merely thinking for the rest of the night. I have a million ideas pass through my fragmented thoughts, two or three will be remembered, maybe, MAYBE, one will be started. then i drift off for my last hour of rest. I wake up to a reminder of you. i wake up to this reality. i get on my bicycle, and i ride to drift off after the rudeness of my awakening.

cocka doodle doooo

a loud unpredictable moan. a screech that sounds like a rooster at daylight, a long stretch, a scratch at the head or ear. a rub of the eye. and then a good half an hour of the most flowing primal noises i can make with my throat. these mornings are funny. i get vivid reminders of childhood.

and then i slip into a daydream, and come to it 10 minutes before i am to be at work.

october sky.

my bicycle got stolen. i dont think anyone around me, except for a biker, feels me on this.

i feel like i just got my mind takin away from me. dumbfounded

this feeling. its not where i want to be. i really dont like waking up in the am to this reality.

doesnt matter who the person is, here, its not the same. i love it for what it is. ive conquered this place ten times over. and even if it has been conquered its been to easy to understand. youve got your wannabe whatevers, whereever you look.. but thats not enough for me, my soul is doing some searching and not coming home with anything. i need the fullness of life to be nurtured.

humans are not far from nature, we live like it is this own separate entity, and its not. we are nature, its what is driving everything where doing. there is no separation. i want to make drug like effects in the world, ones that remind people of the connectedness they have with nature, even if its through memory relapse.

we all grow up to have these stories that are only real because of what, at this age,we chose

that we believe life should be this way, or life should be that.

or maybe we walk in this line that we see majority following. thats when some of us become sheep.

im having a hard time looking at my elders and the decisions on belief that they once chose. and trying to

develop my own, nobodys happy this far. but the few that i do know who at old age dont feel

a heavy load from the steps they'd chose, seemingly all chose the path less travelled.

i miss being at will of the world. i miss playing everyday. i miss the look on an inspired souls face.

this is a new thought

RAPE TUNNEL

very extreme form of experience based art. think about what it is that he must be trying to get across.

months are flying.

dripping 40 drops of rhodiola into my water. and for the next 12 hours my adrenal will heal itself. healing has been on my mind often. getting back to the natural, in this country, at this age, in this life, knowing how to heal yourself is something that is almost a necessity to maintain this lifestyle. i feel a shamanistic wind breezing my neck. Halloween is approaching, and im feeling every very restless, almost a year has passed now, and i don't feel very accomplished. the silence of winter is a bit to strong in my studio, i get very lost in the static filled space that i live.

these moments are fleeting

i visited the city again this past weekend. I want to go get lost in the people again, but somethings telling me getting lost in the stars and the landscapes is much more suited for (my)self.

and here in this moment im okay. my bike is my saving grace. i am surrounded by walls. these walls are burning. my bike. i found myself watching the band bolivant perform, my eyes are welling up, and im wondering if im slipping into a routine that leaves me dead and monotonous? then i decide im going to choose to feel the most until i cant any longer, ive got alot of will left in me, and i dont see why i would keep doing this?

im getting out. you want to do this with me or not?

waking up next to you is the best way to wake up. on days when my mind is decided i feel very very good about the possibilities that lie before us. its not until late at night when i need a little more than kisses in the morning, when i feel like there is something wrong here. what happened to the long enjoyable conversations that could last us until morning if no interference. i miss feeling like i had someone i could work to be better for, because afterall thats all this is. hell, if it werent for you and me seeing logic in building a strong foundation here, i probably would have left indiana and continued on as fast as you can say, bad roomate situation. i know if it werent for you i wouldnt be cooped up in the murphy wondering how im going to sort this all out. and ive moved passed that a bit, and theres this whole set of issues to keep walking through... when you tell me you love me, is it only because you catch a glimpse at the depth in my eyes, or because i gave you a look that sent a sensation through your body, or is it because you really actually are in love with me... not the idea of me or the games of chase i play, or do you really actually love me, because either way im happy you feel inclined to say it and think it, im just really unsure of you at this point. if you wouldnt have decided to dump me to go have your way with the world, i wouldnt have realized that i actually wanted you to be the one i wanted all the time. so in that regard you helped me realize what i wanted and what i needed to do to make it work, but now im really lost about where your at, i feel like i may have missed the boat on this one, and im just wasting time now. Are you only acting because you cant hurt somones feelings? and where do our visions for the future meet up. im confused about this to, yea we want to do buisness however that may be, but you and i... where does that meet up, because you want to travel and start a commune, and i want to start doing things that make me happy for money, that way i can eventually live the life i want to with some kids and the person i love most, im a dreamer to, but i also know that dreamers and people with plans all die equally as unhappy and the process continues. so i just wonder where you are standing with all this, and im also wondering if you are hearing the sexy noise coming from williams room? quite the distraction. Its funny you have my moms birthday to, you guys give me the same feelings of worthlessness and love tangled up into a package. its all love.